Waiting Is the Hardest Part

25 Aug

I’ve been struggling all week to find the words for something that I don’t think there are words for. It’s a different kind of loss. There are no memories to look back on, or good times to cherish with a smile. Instead there’s just emptiness and a hole where something once was. It was referred to in a pamphlet I received as a “shattered dream,” but even that is inaccurate. The dream isn’t shattered. It’s still there, and it can still be. It just isn’t…yet.

I blog all the time (to the point of annoyance, I think) about how I’m a planner. I have lists and goals and a series of next steps to keep my life in order. There’s a certain way in which I expect things to happen because that’s just how they’re supposed to happen, so the shock of the completely unexpected is something I’m not used to. I find it uncomfortable and unnerving, and I’m nervous going forward.

I’ve also said I’m not a wallower, which is true. I’m a problem-solver and a fixer. There was my situation, there was a plan to fix my situation, my situation is over, and now I can move on. Except for I can’t. There’s a whole waiting process, and I’ve never been patient. Most of the time I’ve accepted what won’t be mine (yet) and I’m okay. But then there’s something Child says, or a package I ordered or a t-shirt that will never be worn again and in those moments I’m lost. It’s a sadness that feels foreign, because it’s over something that was never truly mine. It’s a sadness that doesn’t feel warranted, but there it is all the same.

Things always happen for a reason, and for every struggle I’ve ever faced I’ve become stronger and learned something important in the long haul. I know this to be the case now. What I lost is something that just wasn’t meant to be, and I know that time will bring me what I was always meant to have. But waiting is the hardest part.

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3 Responses to “Waiting Is the Hardest Part”

  1. tersiaburger August 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    Sorry for your loss. I feel your loss through your beautiful post.

    • Andrea September 1, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

      Thank you so much for reading, and for your support.

  2. Patrice September 2, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

    Waiting is the hardest part, but when (s)he arrives we will wonder at the awesomeness of it all. xoxoxo

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