Archive | May, 2013

A Prolonged and Inexplicable Absence

15 May

Lately I have not been writing. At all. I’ve completely neglected my blog (as you may have noticed) as well as my personal writing projects. It’s not that I’ve been more busy than normal, or that I’ve been having a personal crisis of any kind. I’ve been experiencing a sort of writing enui (thanks Michel for teaching me that word). What’s strange is that this boredom hasn’t stemmed from a lack of things to say. Instead, I think I may have too much.

I thought about blogging when I got the late night call that my mom had cancer. I thought about blogging when we had a snow day in the middle of April. I thought about blogging when Glee pissed me off as a teacher and reasonable human being with their school violence episode. I thought about blogging when the doctors performed surgery on my mom and realized she actually didn’t have cancer after all. And I definitely considered blogging about this:

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Each time I thought about blogging I wrote the entry out in my mind, but something kept me from going online to actually put the words to “paper.” And my personal writing? Well that’s another story entirely. I’d like to tell you that my plan is to finish my novel this summer. But, then I’d also have to tell you that my plan was to finish my novel last summer. And the summer before that. And the summer before that.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a planner. I love planning and lists and deadlines. They’re things that keep me focused and on track. Normally that’s a good thing and I live comfortably in that sense of purpose, but sometimes I think I put undue pressure on myself. Like if I don’t finish my novel by _____ time, my entire time on this earth will have been wasted. I know I fear what most do in life, and that’s having it end suddenly without a chance to accomplish the dreams I have for myself. Rational or not, it’s a fear that makes sense to me, but I also think it sometimes keeps me from living my life now. Getting enjoyment out of things that are happening now. Taking my time and doing things in a more relaxed and leisurely fashion. I don’t want to put so much pressure on myself that writing becomes a chore instead of a need.

I’m not trying to give myself an easy out. I definitely don’t want to turn into the “Well I was going to be a writer but then I realized experiencing life was more important than writing it” person. I just somehow need to find the balance between living now and accomplishing things for the future I envision for myself. I suppose writing this blog entry and relishing the feeling of my thoughts formed into readable words is a start.

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