One Week In

18 Oct

Today my second son is two-weeks old. The fact that my maternity leave is 1/4 of the way over puts me into an indescribable panic that I’ll wait to analyze some other day. What’s heavy on my mind today is the fact that this closes out my first week home alone with the kiddos. To say that it has been hard and stressful doesn’t begin to cover it.

I can’t quite put into words what it’s like to have a life that doesn’t feel like your own. I have had, literally, about an hour each day that I was conscious and able to do something for myself. Most of the time that hour was spent doing something like taking a shower, or remembering to eat lunch. Every other second of my days have been spent playing with Child #1, feeding Child #2, doing laundry, washing dishes and, whenever possible, sleeping.

On the one hand I feel as though I have no right to complain about these things. This was the choice Husband and I made when we decided to have another child. We knew it would be hard. I knew it would be hard. And really, it’s not even as hard as it could be. There are plenty of people out there who do this completely on their own, without the help that I have gotten from my husband and family. On top of that, Child #1 is pretty self-sufficient, and Child #2 has really been an easy baby overall. Could this be even more difficult than it has been? Absolutely. But that doesn’t change the fact that, for me, it’s been very hard.

Which is why last night I may have had an emotional breakdown. It was 9:00, and I was folding laundry while I waited for Child #2 to wake up for his 9:30 feeding. Husband told me he was going to go take a bath and read his book, and he asked if that would bother me. The answer, of course, was “Hells yes, that will bother me.” Not that Husband isn’t working his ass of. Not that Husband isn’t more than deserving of a couple of minutes to relax. Just that my best friend sent me a link to something that’s apparently hilarious three days ago and I still haven’t had a second without a child attached to me to look at it. Just that I can’t sleep or eat when I want to because my boobs are always on call.

wine

Honestly, I think I was just exhausted and needed a good cry. I’m not depressed, I’m not that overwhelmed, and it’s not unmanageable. It’s just hard, and sometimes I need to vent about it. In the end, Husband wound up taking his bath. He also took today off of work and let me sleep in. His presence is also why I’m able to finish this blog entry. I feel a little bad that my tears of tiredness guilted him into staying home, but I’m glad he’s here. Once again he reminds me of how smart I was to have chosen him to be the father of my children.

I always knew this was going to be the hardest week, and I know next week will be easier. We’re developing a routine of sorts over here, which makes me happy. I feel like I have an idea of when I can be productive and when I can’t be. My goal for next week is to get all three of us dressed every single day, and even venture out somewhere all together. It’s time to be done whining. I’ve only got six weeks of leave left, and I am going to enjoy them.

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One Response to “One Week In”

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  1. Breastfeeding: A Pros & Cons List | prettyandink - December 31, 2013

    […] the first time I’ve expressed some of my anxieties about breastfeeding (please see Evidence A and Evidence B). I had told myself that I was going to stick with it at least until my birthday in […]

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